Sitting in my room

I have so much on my plate and I cannot seem to stuff it all down
my mouth to help get rid of the pain. It just seems the more I eat
the more gets added on to it and I am not really keen on getting
second helpings!

Some might know that I lost my father last year in a VERY SUDDEN
way, which I never wish anyone to go through! I been told it is
always sudden and no one is ever ready. Honestly, that is a load
of bullshit. I have felt this hurt of suddenly losing a loved one
a long time ago and that pain felt very much as the pain of my
father, only my father was way worse.

The main reason why is because I have never felt that I was a great
son to him. I always think there was somethings I could have done
better. I regret all the fights and all the yelling and name calling.
I regret pushing him and laying my hands on him because we got into
are squabbles but not once did I punch him. But knowing I could
have maybe just walked away from it all and said "I am sorry Dad,
you are right!" could have changed the things went.

Then their is also the fact I seem to have problems within my circle.
Two of my friends have told me that I need to realize that their are
other people out there who care about me also. Well I just find it
funny that one friend who said this has never once, maybe I am wrong,
had ever been there to talk or hangout with me then the other one has.
But then the one who I did talk with more and hangout with more sure
did, still does?, make me feel neglected out of no where.

So how does it make me feel when one person wants to start talking
about what I am dealing with when I felt they were never there before?

But how do I handle the fact that the person I would want to talk to
has there problems to deal with and makes me feel left out on what is
wrong and just sort of stop talking to me since one night?

I just hope things change soon....

for the better....

Because drastic changes make me do drastic things